Pain and Forrest Gump

Pain and Forrest Gump

“I will move on.”

“No, don’t say that. Say, you are moving forward.”

I may have gotten this statement three times already from three different people. I wondered what it really meant. What is the difference between the two?

As said in my previous entry, I just came from a break up. And up until now, I am enjoying the happiness of freedom and detesting the sadness of independence. I had different advices received but those statements above stood out.

They say that saying you’re going to move on is not really the best process. Moving on means you just went on without getting anything from the experience, just so the season would end.

On the other hand, saying that you’re going to move forward is recognizing each step and learning from it.

I am not sure about that up to now. What I have been learning from this experience is whatever you say or however you say it, pain is going to be a part of it. And that is something I value. We live on a fallen world and not having to experience pain just means you are not doing anything in your life, really.

I watched Forrest Gump last month. When Jenny left Forrest to find herself, Forrest ran for three years. I think the character did all the running to subside pain from being left by the person he loves. Even the so-called “stupid” Forrest experienced pain. I empathized with his character. Because right now, I am that Forrest running for three years just for the pain to be expressed.

Pain in this season is the most amazing discovery I had, not the moving on or moving forward advice. It does not leave me defeated, it made me realize that I can empathize with other people experiencing pain. It taught me LOVE IN A DIFFERENT VIEW. This is selfless.

The Horizon is NOT THE END

The Horizon is NOT THE END

We have in our life, at one period in time, at least once, where we asked ourselves, “Where do I begin?”

I recently experienced rejection. My boyfriend, (now ex) broke up with me. He said I was too emotional. This is true. So at this post break up time, I’m dealing with so much insecurities I never knew was in my heart.

So I asked the Lord, “Where do I begin?”

I just realized one thing. The earth has no corners because it is almost round. There is no starting or end point. It will continuously revolve.

I was at the beach two weeks ago and I saw the horizon. I thought, “How much is out there?” Beyond the horizon that I can’t see, I told myself that maybe there is something more.

I AM FREE. I’m realizing since there is no starting point, then I am free to begin anywhere. I am free to search for what I want in life. I am free to explore the world!

I am an accounting graduate. But just 2 days ago, I was offered at my current company, a marketing position. At first I was thinking about the career path I want to have. In no way in my dreams that I will pursue a marketing role. This is not to offend our fellow marketers out there, but I am an accountant, not a marketer.

But realizing that I am free to start anywhere and there is no ending point on earth but only death, God is maybe on to something. I might discover what’s beyond that horizon if I go out of that i’m-an-accountant mindset.

So if you’re like me wondering if there is more, you are more than free to discover. Take that leap of faith. Start anywhere, it might take us everywhere.

Too Many Flaws

Too Many Flaws

Let’s face it, we are just human beings. The more righteous you think of yourself, the worse you become.

We have been written a beautiful story of failure and disgust. The story just gets more content as time pass through. You will sometimes say to yourself, I did this, I did that, and then eventually feel bad about it. We fail to recognize the good things in life and even the most important, the good people around us. They are the ones who help you in every failure.

Don’t get weary on failing, because as human beings, you just have too many flaws.

The Archive Door

The Archive Door

A day in the life of a somebody here on Earth produces so many memories that God-only-knows how the brain can keep. I just found out that some memories are hidden in the very depths of your heart and not in the brain. The level of feeling attached to the memory is revealed to how you remember it and how you utter the words when telling it. Such a long time it’s hidden, you would almost think that it’s not even there. I call that space in my heart, THE ARCHIVE DOOR.

It’s slightly opened. Dark but little light bounces off from the outside space. A walkthrough inside your heart, you see other doors, some of them locked, some of them beautifully decorated with vibrant colors. Do you dare open those locked or do you dare enter that single one, slightly opened?

Then another person comes in, almost a stranger but gives off that rest and peace you always wanted. So you let that person enter your heart. But then the person sees that slightly opened door, gets curious, and then, BOOM, that stranger reveals what’s inside: FORGOTTEN LOVE.

Forgotten because it was put into the “Archive Door”. You put unnecessary feelings and emotions there until you forget it. But why is it slightly opened? Maybe because those put behind that door is not unnecessary, but rather, pain and rejection you’ve felt before that you don’t want anymore. And for the stranger who opened and entered the door, that person receives it all. Which is why that person who gives the rest and peace you always wanted becomes hurt. And since it’s your heart, you become hurt too.

Our Short and Beautiful Time

Our Short and Beautiful Time

It was short. We met and you fell in love with me in an instant. After talking for four days, words could not express the depths of your feelings for me. I knew it was impossible for you to feel that way. I knew something was not right.

I became afraid. But I told myself I’d let you in. I had the conviction to pray for my standards for the past two weeks before I met you. My Father told me to pray for those standards every morning of my life. Then you came. You’ve met four out of five of those standards. Out of nowhere, you tried sweeping me off my feet. But I had this stronghold that no man can abolish. The walls that set us apart was beginning to shrink as you continue to pursue me. Seeing you as a friend or an older brother didn’t stop you from making me feel special. I knew it was too good to be true.

Then a day has passed. I have to test you. I knew I have to do something about you. I couldn’t let you in that easily. I know I’m precious to the eyes of my Father that no words or actions go through my heart that easy. You messaged me several times and called me when I didn’t answer. And then I told you to be patient because sometimes isolation comes to me for days or weeks. Then you drifted off and gave me what I want. You said you want to be friends and that I can now do my priorities. And then it hit hard.

Is this really what I want? Words spoken to me were promising. But putting a light in the situation, I still want to take time.

The time to make a choice and the time to fall in love. Now, we both made a mutual decision: stay as friends and try to move on. You said you can manage and I told you likewise. It was perfect for a moment. But then again, it is now our short and beautiful time.


Scattered On The Hillside: Some Thoughts on Discipleship, Community, and Blogging

Scattered On The Hillside: Some Thoughts on Discipleship, Community, and Blogging

“The disciples are tired; they are hungry; they are spent. They are looking forward to a little down time with Jesus and with one another. Yet this is not the time, Jesus tells them. It is time to feed the crowd. Depleted of provisions and energy, the disciples wonder where this food (and strength!) will come from. In spite of their doubts, they offer what little they have. Jesus takes it, blesses it, breaks it, and gives it to them. They, in turn, feed the crowd. They each go to those groups of fifty scattered over the hillside, and they share what has been given to them. And all are satisfied—including the twelve.”

Daily Theology

One of the most challenging aspects of moving away from Boston and beginning my new life in Montana was leaving my community behind. After ten years in that city, I had formed a tight friendship network of fellow scholars and ministers. But, as all of us knew, at some point, our life together would have to change. Each of our vocations required us to share the gifts we had been given with the people of God. What we had been learning and studying together would make little sense if we only stayed in our tight-knit groups of friends. But this reality did not make leaving any easier.

The familiar story of the feeding of the multitude from Luke’s gospel that we heard yesterday provides some important insights into this aspect of discipleship. This story not only tells us about Jesus’ compassionate desire and ability to feed and nourish us, it…

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